If You Leave
CoreValley, Spring 2008
What can you do, as a mother, to prepare for the death of your child? One paints, another writes poetry, a third throws herself into work, a fourth into exercise. There are probably as many ways of coping as there are people who must endure the unimaginable. For me, one of the most important ways of facing that horror was composing music. If You Leave is one of the songs through which I came to accept my situation and prepare myself for the worst.
In the spring of 2008, we were living in Oulu, and I posted an ad on the Muusikoiden.net website. I had been writing my own songs since 1995, and after Arttu became ill and after I divorced his father, many more had come. Now that Arttu’s condition was more stable, I thought I could slowly begin building my own dreams again. I wanted to find a band with whom I could work on both my new and old compositions and see whether they would work in front of an audience.
Soon after posting the ad, I was contacted by a member of a death metal band. Through the eyes of a single mother, he seemed rather intimidating, and I felt a small wave of anxiety rising inside me. I removed my ad and thought, maybe this is not my world after all.
At the same time, Lassi had seen my ad and told another band member that they might just have found their singer. He wrote me a message and sent it, only to notice that my ad had already disappeared. I had not visited the site for several days either. When I finally logged in again, I found his unread message waiting for me.
“You receive what you are ready to let go of”
Lassi had composed songs that needed vocals and a singer. He sent me a few of his pieces and asked me to try writing some vocal lines and come to the studio to experiment. I will remember forever the moment when Lassi’s car pulled into the parking lot and I stepped into the back seat. In front of me sat two incredibly warm and pleasant young people, and a connection was born instantly. With Heidi, a friendship began immediately, and that was probably one of the most important reasons why the band became what it did.
Together we created nine songs and played one show. The songs were truly beautiful, and they could have become an extraordinary whole. Lassi had first created an astonishing world of rhythm and melody for the instruments. Entering that world took many listens at first, until the vocal melodies gradually found their place. Luckily for me, Heidi had already done important bridge-building, creating harmony on her keyboards and also some song lyrics and melodies before I came in, as if she had colored everything that Lassi had first sketched in outline. All I had to do was step into that finished, perfect landscape and begin walking through its different dimensions in song.
The lyrics rose out of where I was in life at that time: as a woman, a mother, a daughter, and a loyal member of society. It was my way of breaking out of the prison I had built for myself and stepping into a new life.
Our last song together was given, in my heart, the ceremonial name Resurrection. The band called it Open Sky. When we were working on that final song, and the last vocal tracks had been recorded, something incredible happened: the entire program crashed, and all the tracks we had made disappeared with it. A strange peace descended inside me, even though I should have been furious. I simply thought: “So that was it?”
“Did he get to have his life and childhood when I let go of my own dreams? Only heaven knows.”
A few traces of the songs still remained. This song was one of them. It tells about Arttu and the inner work I had done up to that point in the face of his death. I cannot hold on to my child. I cannot keep him here to suffer for my sake. I have to accept his leaving, and if that happens, I must find joy within myself.
It is astonishing to think that this song only found its place 18 years later. For all that time, I was learning not to fight for his life, and practicing how to build inner peace.
Arttu at that time, at his sister’s birthday party, with Ronja behind him. Ronja has also been one of my greatest teachers, but that is her story to tell.
IF YOU LEAVE
Instrumental composition by Lassi Landin
Vocal melody and lyrics by S. Lehmusketo
Arranged by CoreValley
CoreValley:
Lassi Landin – guitar
Heidi Määttä – keyboards
Sari Lehmusketo – vocals
Keijo Iisakka – guitar
Ville Välimäki – bass
Mikko Iisakka – drums
If you leave
Came the day, when all did say
my son will be taken away.
Came pain with tears like rain.
Came anger and greed:
will to keep, hold you deep forever with me.
I must stop fighting for your life,
cause I owe you my inner peace.
I must find joy inside
with your precious love seed
which help to be whole in me.
Death lives now in our home.
He said my child is God´s loan:
God can take what he made
what he owns.
I´m now God´s faithful slave:
In nightmares I dig graves
and I cry let me die before my child.
Death please go away!
Don´t you come today!
He just did pray:
“Please give me more time to play.”
I must stop fighting for your life,
cause I owe you my inner peace.
I promise to find joy inside
with your precious love seed
which help to be whole in me.
If you leave
Your life gave me a reason,
to see my life in every season.
I had to dive in all my fears
and face the mess behind my tears.
Death leaves closes the door.
We don’t need it anymore!
We must stop fighting in our life
and should find our inner peace.
Child knows how to find joy inside,
child is here for us to lead
the world to live in harmony
until we leave.
